A lot of times while I’m driving I see the most beautiful things. Nature is beautiful. I don’t have an actual camera with me at all times, so frequently I’ll take pics with my phone. Obviously driving while trying to take a picture with an iPhone CAN have its drawbacks, but I still enjoy doing it. I’m kind of reminded of the movie Yes Man when I take these pics because sometimes I’m not even really paying attention to what I’m capturing, just like the jogging photography group that Zooey Deschanel’s character leads in the movie. (Yes, some will be blurry, slanted, or have part of my finger in front of them…but I’ll post ‘em anyway). Pictures tell stories, and so when I take driving photos, I will post them on here and write down the story that accompanies them, or the thoughts going through my mind at the time. I’ll start with a few from Saturday.
I had just gotten my hair done and was grateful to be leaving the salon (I was getting restless after being in a chair for about FOUR hours). The salon is on the east end of town, where I lived last year, so I decided to do a little sight-seeing. I actually drove past my old place just for the hell of it. The last two pictures were taken at the top of this huge hill you had to drive down to get out of the subdivision. I always liked this part because it overlooks the highway and you can see pretty far when you crest the hill. I absolutely LOVE when there are storm clouds but then you get those random rays of light. The last picture is my favorite, especially because the grass and tree are so green.
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That’s the Gospel Truth.
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Sundays are always kind of gloomy for me, especially when the weather is gloomy. For whatever reason, today I decided to Google “what single girls in their 20s should be doing,” which may have been a mistake. What I found just further reinforced the idea that I am not making the most out of my life. As I sit here and hyperventilate about the fact that I will be 25 in less than a month, I feel old. I feel like I’ve missed out on all of the great things that you’re supposed to experience in your early twenties. While it’s certainly true that there shouldn’t be a specific age that you HAVE to do anything, it’s hard not to think this way when the majority of people around you seem to have life figured out just a little better than you do. I’m finding life to be HARD, and I’m not sure why. Some of the articles I’ve been reading tell me that I shouldn’t settle in life. I know this. I advocate for this. Yet I kind of feel like I am settling. I’m not sure I’m happy in my career or town, but I haven’t done anything about it. I know I have the power to change this situation, but I guess I am just scared. I’m scared that I won’t be able to find another job, and I wonder even if I do, and I move closer to home but to a city that offers more opportunities, will I still feel alone like I do now? Will my apartment still look like a bomb went off in every single room? And I think, probably. Probably. So maybe my problem is just that I am lazy. Or maybe, deep down, I don’t value myself enough to want to make a living space comfortable for myself. I don’t value myself enough to learn how to cook good meals for myself. Maybe I don’t value myself enough to change the things I have control over, like where I live. Maybe I don’t value myself enough to seek out the advice and opportunities I so desperately want. Maybe I don’t value myself enough to tell people that I don’t appreciate the way they mock me because I give them the go ahead when I use my self-deprecating humor to cope with life. So often I want to “leave this damn apartment” to escape the mess I’ve made, but really, I need to realize I will always make these messes if I don’t change something. Now. It’s not like someone else is doing this to me, so it doesn’t make sense to want to “escape.” I’m stuck with myself for eternity. It’s so easy to put blame on something else, and make yourself feel like the victim or like you don’t have any control, but you do, you have more control than what you think. I read this quote once that really resonated with me. It says,
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
I think this quote is really motivating, and it’s a great reminder that we are in charge of our lives and our situations. If we’re not happy, we need to change something. And so this is my quest. I’ll keep you posted.
I am really loving this.