And I Wonder...

That the world needs to hear what I have to say.  Not just my best friend in a car at 1:15am on excess booze, but people that don’t even know me.  People who are lost and need to find their way.  People who don’t even know they’re lost.  That sounds quite pretentious, but maybe it doesn’t have to be seen that way.  I just think sometimes people are so sad and they just accept this distorted reality and what they don’t realize is that they have the power to change things for themselves.   To make things better because how can you stand to be indifferent?  How can you always just accept what’s thrown at you?  You can be in control, and you do have a say how you live this life.  Sometimes I think people just look at me like a silly girl who likes to dance because she’s drank too much or listen to corny music or do weird things just to say she’s weird.  But I really think that I have a bigger role in this life and don’t deserve to be looked over.  I know how to have a good time, of course, but I also have some profound thoughts.  I have observed and watched and sat on the sidelines for far too many relationships and arguments and wilted friendships.  Instead of making fun of my way of life or dismissing it like its something childish why don’t you try it?  I can bet you’ll have a lot more fun and experience far less stress and maybe learn a thing or two about yourself along the way.  Because I enjoy my life and I’m not trying to impress anybody except myself and I’m confident that in the end it will all be ok as long as you try your hardest to make it ok and surround yourself with people who will help make it ok.  Life is hard, yeah, but quit beating yourself up about it.  Let it go.

People are starting to lose their appeal to me.  I don’t know what it is, maybe today’s just an off day.  Or maybe I used to be too idealistic and now I’m finally waking up to reality.  Either way, I don’t like it.

Oooh this is ironic.  Here’s the deal:  I’ve lived here all my life, in this small-ish city that is predominantly white…trash.  It’s familiar, it’s semi-cozy.  It’s home.  My mom has also lived here all of her life, and even one further - in the same house.  We’ve made renovations, sure, but the fact still remains - we’ve been here a long time.  I don’t feel it’s fair to say I dislike my hometown, because there are things I really do like about it.  However, since I have gone away to a four-year university after high school and now come back, I start to see things about this city in a new light.  Before I thought that predominantly white meant middle-class.  Read:  safe.  Now that I’ve gotten to experience many different cultures, ideals, attitudes I think that predominantly white means ignorant.  Trashy.  Conservative.  I’ve come to find out over these past four years that I live a more liberal lifestyle and certainly am NOT okay with being ignorant.  I see what it’s done to people I went to high school with that stayed in this small-ish city.  The ones who are either pregnant, married, or pregnant AND married are at a different point in their lives than I am.  In a sense, they are done learning.  They are letting education take a more passive role in their lifestyles.  I don’t mean this in a rude or condescending way, I am just stating the “trend,” or so we’ll call it.  They’re settling.  When I say I live a more liberal lifestyle this is what I mean:  I’m single.  I’m still a student.  I am unemployed.  And right now, I’m OK with all of that.  I’m fortunate to have parents who realize how important my education is and are willing to make sacrifices to see that I graduate college and get a good job.  

I know I’m straying from the topic here.  But I feel like this is all important considering the tremendous weight this seemingly simple question carries.  Taking into account that I will have to make some important life decisions here in the next 6 months concerning where I will live, I feel this question couldn’t have come at a much better time.  I am ok, geographically speaking, with my small-ish city hometown.  I love my family very very much.  But there’s a lot of intolerance and hatred going on in my hometown and surrounding areas that I’m not ok with.  There’s a lot of people I went to high school with littering the local bars and QTs.  I feel like I belong in a place with much excitement, where I can find people like me who stay up until all hours of the night.  People who read.  Motivated people who want change.  People who will push me to be better than I already am.